Play opens on a small boy playing with a toy sword in his room. There is a knock at the door.
GRANDMA: Joshua! Can I come in please?
Joshua: Sure, grandma, come on in. (he continues to play)
Grandma: I made you a mask for the Purim Carnival today. (she hands it to him)
Joshua: aw grandma! I don't wanna go! I'd rather just stay here and fight, like a knight!
Grandma: The Carnival will be fun! You will be able to play lots of games, eat Humantaschens, see your friends!
Joshua: Grandma, I don't get why Purim is so important. I understand why we celebrate Hanukah and Passover and Shabbat and all the other Jewish Holidays but I don't understand why we have to celebrate Purim!
Grandma: Well, okay. Your sister and I are downstairs getting ready if you change your mind and decide you want to go. (she exits)
(Joshua sits on his bed, holding the Purim mask.)
Joshua: I don't get it, why is it so important to her. Purim isn't cool like Hanukah...no chocolate coins…or presents…(he lays down and falls asleep)
(For most of the rest of the play, Joshua is dreaming. Joshua wakes up to find several women lined up in a row and a man announcing a beauty pageant)
Announcer: Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to King Ahasuerus Gets a New Wife! Now we have a lot to get to but before we do, please welcome our lucky ladies!
(The three women come in a row and wave to the audience.) These women have come from all over the city of Shushan in hopes of becoming the New Queen of Persia! Ladies, please introduce yourselves to our studio audience.
Woman 1: Hi, My name is Sally Shoemaker. I work in my father's Domestic Camel Unlimited Company. If you ever need to know how much water a camel should drink in a day, how to clean a camel's behind or simply how to get a camel to take you on a nice stroll, I'm the girl for you! (applause)
Woman 2: Hello! I'm Gertie Gertz and I would make an excellent Queen. I mean, just check me OUT! (she does a dance to some music) Who WOULDN'T want me to be queen!?
Esther: Hello. My name is Esther and I am very much looking forward to meeting the King and getting to know what his interests are. My uncle Mordechai raised me and if I am named Queen, I will miss being with him grately. (to the audience) I also have a very important secret! shh!
Announcer: Thank you ladies! Now let's bring out the one, the only King Ahasuerus! (the king enters) Your highness, do you have anything to say to your kingdom before we move on?
King: (INSERT POP CULTURE AMERICAN IDOL TYPE REFERENCE HERE)
Annoncer: Thank you very much, King Ahasuerus! Now, we're going to ask each of these lovely ladies a question and based on their response you will pick your bride to be! Ready ladies? Woman #1, What would your ideal date be?
Woman 1: Well, I would love to take you out on my camel, Harry, and parade you around town on Harry's back as it goes clippity-clop and we could sleep as Harry would ride us off into the sunset and desert sky...where there WOULD be a chance we'd get eaten by poisonous desert rattlesnakes and lions...hmm
Announcer: Thank you Woman #1. Woman #2, same question.
Woman 2: I would take you to a fashion show where I would show you all of the latest clothes that I wear. I would also be the only model so you could just look at me!
Announcer: Ohh k. And last but not least, Woman #3. Same question.
Esther: Well, I would spend all day Friday cooking some soup, chicken, and braided bread that I would serve to you and we would sit and talk about our day by candlelight and be thankful for the food we have been given.
King: I have never heard a woman talk like this before...she's so beautiful.
Announcer: Thank you ladies. Alright, Your Highness. It is up to you now. Who will be the next Queen of Persia and your wife?
King: Well, Bob, I think I have to go with the only one who mentioned the true way to a King's heart--through food. I have to go with Woman #3!
Announcer: Esther! You have won the heart of the King of Persia! (thunderous applause, Esther and the King run to the center of the stage and give each other a big hug)
Joshua: So that's how it all began!
(the set changes to the palace, Esther changes from rags to riches onstage and walks by Joshua and stops)
Esther: (to Joshua) Cool mask kid.
Joshua: Thanks, Your Highness! (more quietly) Does the King know?
Esther: Know what?
Joshua: That the meal you were describing that you'd make for him was for Shabbat? Does he know that you are Jewish?
Esther: Shh! I haven't told him yet! But I will. Right now, there are rumors going around the kingdom that Haman, the king's prime minister, might be planning to target the Jews. I need to save my people before I come out as a Jew. Think of me as a spy.
Joshua: Good luck!
(enter the King, followed by Haman)
King: And make sure, Haman, that you ready everything for Esther's Welcome Party. I want everything to be perfect for her.
Haman: Yes sir. I am on it. By the way, your lordship, have you given any thought to that little decree I emailed you about last week?
King: Refresh my memory, which one was that?
Haman: The one about getting rid of all the Jews.
King: Oh, yes that one. Well, I'm going to need more of a reason than, you don't like them, Haman.
Haman: Very well sir.
King: I need to be a just and fair King. And now that I have the beautiful Esther at my side, I will win the love of even more of my subjects. (he exits)
Haman: I must have my edict passed! (Mordechai walks by) You there! Bow before your Prime Minister!
Mordechai: I will not. I bow before no man. Only G-d.
Haman: Insolent fool!
(Joshua claps and everyone is still. he begins to walk around.)
Joshua: I think I should help Mordechai. (he walks around the two men. He takes Mordechai's hand and lead's him to another area of the stage. He then steals Haman's three corner hat.)
This hat is very silly looking. Not exactly trend setting, but if it was a pastry, I'd eat it. Hmm...and that would make people less afraid of Haman, if everyone was eating his hat. Nobody would fear him, they would just laugh at him! (Joshua claps his hands again)
Haman: Hey you, kid! Give me my hat back! (Haman chases Joshua offstage. Enter two guards that stand near Mordechai).
Guard 1: Okay, so, should we poison the King or strangle him?
Guard 2: I say poison. It won't be linked back to us as easily. Plus, everyone gets poisoned these days, we should try and be original in our sins… (they exit as they continue to plot the murder)
Mordechai: (to audience) Oh no, they're planning on killing the King! (shouts) Esther! Where are you?
Esther: Right here, Uncle Mordechai. What is it?
Mordechai: I just overheard two guards talking. They are plotting to kill the King! You must warn him!
Esther: Thank you, uncle. We will stop them at once. (they exit, Joshua enters holding a scroll)
Joshua: Haman has issued a decree to get rid of all the Jews in Persia!
(Esther enters, carrying another scroll)
Joshua: Queen Esther, what are you going to do?
Esther: Don't worry, Joshua, I have a plan! (she opens up her scroll and begins to read from it)
Queen Esther of Persia invites all citizen of the Kingdom, regardless of religious preference to attend a special banquet and carnival this afternoon!
(everyone begins to enter, people are dressed up in all kinds of crazy and zany outfits, ready to be a part of the banquet. The King enters last and stands next to Esther.)
King: Well, my love, I am certainly pleased at your idea to throw a kingdom-wide party! Rock on!
Esther: I do hope so. And now, King, I have an announcement to make to you and everyone else who is here today. I have read of your decree to get rid of the Jews. I assume that the Prime Minister pushed you into this?
King: He did bring it to my attention, yes.
Esther: Very well. If this is how you truly feel, then you must get rid of me as well. (pause) Because I am Jewish.
King: My love, why did you not tell me this before?
Esther: I guess it never came up.
King: Well, then we must stop the decree! I once again, welcome the Jews in Persia!
(everyone cheers and celebrates in a big dance party onstage. People begin to disappear until Joshua is left alone onstage, waking up from a dream.)
Joshua: Dude. That was awesome. (he picks up the Purim mask and puts it on. He runs out of his room yelling: “Grandma! Wait! I'm going to the Purim Carnival! You can't leave without me!”)